Fatherly Struggles

The year is 1978 and the day is August 2nd. Yes this was the day that I was born into this world. I was born to my parents care. At that time we lived in Modesto, California. My sister was eight at the time and not so happy about my birth. Quickly we moved to Santa Rosa and my first memories as a child began. We lived in a home in Santa Rosa on Humboldt.  We owned a truck and a Ford Fiesta. We were a family.

The way that I remember things at this point was my mother and father went to work and they came home. We had dinner together and went to bed. We moved from the first home to another on Tamerisk. It was at this home I used to go out and sit on the curb and stare at all the other kids in the neighborhood. We lived there a while and then we moved to Dutton. The Dutton avenue house was the house where all the memories were created.

My father and I did a lot together. I used to go to work with him at Don Houghton’s produce and play while he worked. We pruned the fig tree and took the figs to the farmers market for cash. We went fishing with the family. We played catch and shot my daisy BB gun. He taught me how to ride my He-man bike (kinda). That is another story that I will explain later. We built a huge train set together. Christmas was always awesome. We went to grandpas and rode the quad. When we went fishing we always got Don Quick potato spuds and Budweiser (soda for me) and we went to the delta. It was a family thing but I saw it as a father son thing. When we came home Dad and I would gut the fish, clean them and prepare them to be eaten. My dad had a few sayings that I still to this day have not forgotten. That may not have been fully appropriate but I sure loved them. “A burp is just a gust of wind that eases from the heart but sometimes takes a downward bound and comes out as a f#@$” and “if your nose runs and your feet smell you must be built upside down.” My father was my hero. We had contests all the time. They were weird but they were ours. I knew that he loved me……………..

Fast forward to age seven when my father sat me down. I knew we did not have a perfect family at this point. There were many times that mom and dad fought and my mom threw plates at him. This was way out of her character. He must have done something real bad. Then there was the time that he put his hand through the Ford Fiesta window…….we were leaving but ended up in the emergency room. The train set had disappeared and we were missing somethings. My dad had lost his job and another and another. It was a tough time. Mom, Wendy and I spent the night at our friends house on a few occasions. I came home to our house on dutton from school one day and my father was there and he had been crying. I knew it. He asked if we could talk……….of course I said absolutely. We sat down at the table and that is where my father told me that he had a drug problem. That he could not kick the habit and it was splitting my mother and him up. This was the first time I really felt let down by my father. This was the time that made all the other little things make sense. Now I knew why he was late or the train set was gone or why mom, Wendy and I rolled quarters. It was all becoming clear. Now I knew why he sat with his friend and watched while I tried to ride my He-man bike with no training wheels for the first time in a circle on a wood deck. I had more splinters than John Candy in the Great Outdoors. It was all starting to make sense except for my response to the hurt………..

You see I loved my father and  still to this day love him with all that I have. I have realized some things over the years though. Once my mother and father divorced I spent the next 8 years chasing him from rehab to rehab. I worked hard in school and couldnt wait to show him my report card. I invited home to every game. He made it to the regional championship Pop Warner, a varsity basketball game at Riordan HS, and my championship football game my senior year. All the other 200+ games I had invited him to he was absent. Every game I looked to the crowd only to see an empty seat. I even was mad at my mom for years because she missed a half inning of the 200+ games and parades I was in. She was always there but it was my Father’s approval that I wanted. I wanted my Dad to be proud of me.

Here is what I thought? – I thought that my father chose drugs over me. I didn’t believe it was a disease. I thought it was a choice. Well when he was on drugs then I felt there was an excuse but what about when he kicked the habit. Yes he has been sober for 18 years or so. I was a sophmore in high school. So why then did he continue to miss all the things I invited him too. How selfish! Why did he not choose to be part of my life. I began to get angry and feel more and more rejected by my Father. The more that he rejected me the more that I tried. Then as I got older I started to say F it. If he is not going to try neither will I. I will stop trying to love him and I will stop trying to be part of his life he doesn’t want me to be. He would act childish. I would call and he would say, “oh you do remember my number?” You have a phone use it I would think to myself. Recovering addicts have to be selfish? What a poor excuse. The day of my college Graduation he made it! Yeah I was so happy and I was so excited to hear him say I am so proud of you Matt! Instead I got Congratulations you look fat! I was so devastated I drank a 1/5 of hennessy to my head and left my best friend stranded in a foreign state where he knew no one. Rejected again by the man I most sought love from.

I could go on for hours but I decided to write this because from what I hear my father appears to be sick. I try to call and I try to get my kids out to see him. The thing is he does not want anyone to see him and he does not want anyone there. I have realized as I grow older that he has always been a very broken man. He was hurt. He lost the love of his life, he has done things that he has not forgiven himself for and hes sad and depressed. I want him to understand that none of that matters to me. I love him. His only son. I seek him and desire to know him. I want to help. He may never let me and that hurts. I have given a lot of thought about the years of chasing my father. I have discovered that my rejection issues stem from this very relationship. I have realized that I chase people that I think won’t approve of me and seek to gain their love most often ending in a broken heart. I realize that that humans are broken and rejection is something I should not take personally. It is not about me.  I also realize that I have to love him right where he is at regardless. He needs my love more than anything. Unconditional love. I have started to compare this relationship to how Jesus must feel about me from time to time. He is constantly seeking to get my attention and I turn my cheek. I believe that I can do it on my own or that I do not deserve this type of unconditional love. I believe that I am not worthy of a Father he will love me and just asks that I seek to know him in return.

Father I just want you to know me as my Father in heaven wants me to know him. I just want you to reach out to me and say I am here and ready to talk the way my Father wants me to speak with him. I just want you to say that you are proud of me for  all my failures and for the man I have become. I simply want to feel as though you are not rejecting the very person who has loved you unconditionally through it all. There were times that you refused to call me and I waited for months on end for the phone to ring. I left messages and drove by the places I thought you lived. My Father has done the same. I have ignored him for months. I am not singling you out as I am as bad as you and guilty the same. However, it is never too late.

Now that you appear to be sick I ask that you reach out to me now more than ever……………I love you Father……and I will reach back I promise………..My Father in heaven I have been reaching. Not without questions but reaching, trusting an moving toward you in the way I know how…….Dad move toward me as we have the same Father who loves us unconditionally. You may feel alone but we are here for you.\

As always I do not edit my work. It is whatever comes out. I am sure that after 32 years of frustration I have missed a lot and my thoughts are sporadic. I will continue to develop my Fatherly struggles but this should give you a foundation………It does not stop me from being the person I want to be so if you have a similar situation dont let it stop you. It does however play a role in my shape and as we learn to understand and acknowledge feelings we have we grow. It is all part of the growth process……