One of the symptoms of depression is extreme withdrawal. When you are a very social person this can be very alarming for those that know you. You stop answering your phone. You take for ever to return an email or a text and you virtually slip into non-existence. When you fail to respond to all your friends they eventually stop reaching out to you. It is not their fault and it is an expected behavior. Even though your struggle has nothing to do with them it feels personal. It can feel as though you are ignoring them or pushing them away. Again Depression is a monster that only those that have gone through it can understand.
So why all the talk about depression? I went through it. I realize that I was deep into a bout with depression for several months. Although I was still very visible and active online I was depressed. I wrote about it. I took my depression online as a defense against the powers of depression. I did not see a doctor. I did not get diagnosed and I did not get medication. I simply realized it after I did my own research and self reflection. I had several friends reach out to me over this time period and I shrugged them away. I wanted to remain isolated and away from the world. I wanted to sulk in my own misery. I wanted to self-diagnose the problem and work my way out of it.
I know that my friends could have been there for me. They would have done anything I needed them to do. What I found when I talked to them is that they were on my team and often they would justify the way that I was feeling. I did not want to justify it. I wanted to learn from it. I did not need to know that it was ok to feel the way that I felt. After all I had been through a lot and it was normal to grieve. This is very true. I was grieving but at some point it went from self-loathing to reverse humility. At some point the show must go on. At some point we have to pick ourselves up and learn from the situation only to forge ahead. I believe that we experience exactly what we are supposed to be experiencing all the time. The question is are we present enough to see the lesson or to learn from it. You see I started to take all the blame for the failed relationship and I HUMBLED myself to the point of reverse humility. This is not a good thing. Humility is good but you can abuse it. I was starting to abuse it.
Full Circle – Going at it alone required something of myself. It required me to defy my own logic and justify my own patterns. There were times that it began to seem silly to me. I would listen to myself and laugh. I would see my own behaviors and say what the heck are you doing. It finally got to the point that being depressed any longer was simply not an option. I began to realize that I wanted to be with my friends and when I was I wanted to lift them up. I wanted to be a positive sounding board. I wanted to be able to be a friend. In order to do that I decided that I had to stand up. Will the real Matt Freeman please stand up. Going at it alone was healthy. It preserved relationships and helped me to dig deep within for the real problems. It did not allow me to justify my actions through logic and conversation with friends. It got ugly at times talking in the mirror to myself. It was like withdrawal from drug abuse. I missed having that dose of Matt you are good and you did things right. It was painful and discouraging and encouraging.
Take Away – I am glad that I battled depression and believe that I have beat it for now. I am glad that I was blessed to see that side of the tracks. I believe that battling depression gives me some insight that will allow me to be sympathetic. I have no clue what all this may be used for aside from my own learning experience but I am thankful for it. Having played team sports my whole life this was an individual battle and I proved to myself that I alone can accomplish something!
If you are battling depression don’t be afraid to get help but also don’t be afraid to help yourself. You know what is wrong so research it dig in the books and grow…………..If you ever need anything you have a friend here willing to listen…..
Matt,
This was a really well written & very honest blog posting. I know exactly what you mean when the need to self proclaim and diagnose what we are battling for ourselves is important. Some people can and some can’t. I’ve been there as well wondering if I’ll be alone forever & dwelling in my own self pity. I think coming out of it was a huge success for my own well being but in order to learn what I have, I was at that place in time for a reason in which HE has a reason for everything. Thank You for sharing as some people feel so alone when depression hits but they aren’t. You are awesome!!!