Detrimental Dialogue

As I approach my destination it suddenly happens. My heart begins to beat at an unimaginable pace. I recognize the feeling but cannot decipher if the racing is due to the fear of rejection or the excitement of what could be. I see it rather clearly but at the same time withdraw from some of the unknown elements. The feeling I recognize is the same yet different than I have ever felt before. The intensity has increased and emotion begins to take over. Tears begin to roll down my face like waves crashing against rocks. The tears are warm signifying joy but for what. Everything I see ahead of me appears to be normal. Then I spot the difference it is right there in the middle of the picture. Yes, this is definitely the difference. This is definitely the cause of the fear and the emotion and the joy that is reverberating throughout my body. The unknown is so exciting but I will have to bring myself to speak without a slur. My speech is impaired, my heart rate is intense beyond explanation and my ability to execute my thoughts is crippled like my dreams have shown me before. I fight it because it may be the only opportunity to express the emotions I am feeling. It may be the only chance I ever get but I cannot overcome the slur. My blurred vision slowly becomes worse. The object of the emotion is now on the move and I am stuck in quicksand. I want so badly to be freed so I may go after the cause but it disappears into the light. The light that always emanates from this object. The same light that captures my attention every time I see it. This was the chance I believe or maybe just maybe there will be another. Another chance to take control of the unanticipated acceleration and convey to the source the feeling I get in it’s presence. If it happens again I will not be stuck in fear. I will embrace it and allow it to work through me to deliver the powerful message that must be heard…….

One of the things that I have dealt with in my life is the absence of health care. I do not have insurance right now and I have had it off and on my whole life. When I get hurt or I have a pain I deal with it how I can. Generally that pattern looks a little like this:

1. Self-diagnosis – a little research and a little question asking I get down to what I believe is the issue.
2. Administer the Medicine – Based on what I learn I do what I can and see how the medicine works.
3. Strengthen around the injury – I build up the muscles around the injury.

Ok so this sounds a lot like a physical injury and for the most part it is. So what then do you do when the pain is an emotional one. What happens when you think you are healed after months and then you realize in one quick exchange that you are not completely healed. The one exchange brings about emotions like jealousy and anger that you thought were gone. When the injury occurred I went through all the steps. Self diagnosis, treatment and a ton of strengthening. The thing that I learned this weekend is that the strengthening can never stop. You must keep it going.

I realized that many times we can treat something and it disappears for a while but that does not mean that it is gone. It can creep up on you at any time without warning. I remembered this weekend the definition of Insanity (doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result). I find myself doing that in so many areas. Ive written on self sabotage. It is fear winning in our life. I learned this weekend that I am Lonely……….I miss my kids……….I now for certain that I can do great things in this life. So why then do I not do them……..? That is where I get a little lost. That is where I realize that I do not know that cure but I can’t keep doing it the way that I have tried. That would be simply INSANE!

My conclusion is simple……..I need to go back to what I know. Health Insurance gives you access to some of the top doctors in the field of medicine. They help guide you to the answer. On the emotional side of things we have books, audios and mentors that help us do that. It is time to dive back into my reading and learning from those who have gone where I want to go. It is time to let go of the past and embrace the future. This time I will be aware that the pain may never fully go away but I can use it to learn and grow stronger …………………..

Wow! I am sitting at the computer typing. I am not sure how long is has been but it sure feels nice. Heck I really didn’t even know what I wanted to write about. I thought to myself I have not written in what seems to be weeks. It was my happy place. It was the thing that allowed me to vent, reassess, refocus and move my life forward in a positive direction. Writing required me to step outside my own “life” bubble and observe what really was going on. It was a really good way to get some perspective on my actions. Many times my thoughts did stem from something someone else was doing but it gave me a chance to reflect and correct.

I have a few questions:

• Do you ever take the time to step outside yourself and reflect on what you are doing and why?
• When you do take the time to reflect do you make corrections to the errors you find?
• Are you honest with yourself when you do this exercise?
• How do you do this?

I have found over the years that when I am criticizing someone for something they are doing it is usually a quality I have that bugs me about me. It is easier to point out someone else than to look in the mirror and take responsibility. I was listening today to Marie Forleo and she was talking about jealousy. She made some real good points about professional jealousy and it got me thinking. She talked about we often have professional jealousy and the one of the ways to combat it is to congratulate the person for their achievements. It was excellent insight. You see I have not been at the computer because I have been working like mad. I have a schedule that is crazy and when I do have a moment of free time all I want to do is sit and be still. However, I rarely do that instead I stay plugged in to a phone or a text or facebook. I never really shut down and this is leading to exhaustion. I love my job. It is always exciting but I am always doing it in some capacity. When I am not at work I have a second job and this is what has been eating at me most recently. I fill the time I have to refresh, live and enjoy with more work. Is this you? If so we are killing ourselves slowly. It’s simple. When we do not refresh we continually operate at a percentage of our max capacity. Therefore the job that we do love gets less than the best. If it is going well now imagine how well it would go if you were refreshed:) You really would not need that second job that most likely is there because it gives you some stability or something you can count on.

Correcting the flaws we see in ourselves can be difficult or it can be easy. It really comes down to your perspective. You see it is never fun to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you have been failing in these areas of your life. It si tough to say I need to be better in this area. It is easier to blame someone else than to change yourself. (or is it). The blame game has gone on for many years. We try to blame someone for being where we are at right now and it temporarily feels good. Even if we are som convincing that others believe that it is this person fault in the end we are left with the same problem. It does not go away. It is an internal thing and the only way it will change is if we change it. How do we go about this? Personal Development!

Correcting the flaws and the utilization of personal development comes down to one thing: Honesty. If we cannot be honest with ourselves than all of this is for naught. We must be able to tell ourselves the truth. It has taken me a while to admit that I have not quit my second job because I am scared that I will not be able to replace that income with my first. It is a classic when I get to this then I will do this. However I will never get to “this” without letting go of this other factor. It is what is holding me back in so many ways. I am tired, overworked, I lack the opportunity to do many of the things I want to do because I am always working. I want to run but I have to go to work, I want to go to the beach but I have to be back for work. Come Monday at 4 am when it is time for bootcamp I am exhausted because I worked all weekend 24 hours of it and tried to still go out and hang with friends. The candle is burnt and my job that I love pays the price as well as my body………”This is the second time in my life that I have done this. I swore last time I would not become a workaholic rather I would work more efficiently. Epic Fail!!!!!!!!”

I reflect by writing. As you can see from reading this I have had something I needed to deal with. I have been wrestling this something for a while now. I know what I have to do but I have yet to pull the trigger. Score 1 for fear and 0 for Mathew. It is so much easier to give advice than to implement it. However, if you are giving advice or your are jealous or bugged by something someone is doing it’s that time to implement. Find what it is that allows you to reflect, search deep within, find the flaw and develop it. Read, write, implement practice. Do what it takes to free yourself.

40 playa partner it’s been a while………..marinating accumulating paper pal………..sorry I had to do that. Old song lyrics that make me happy!

First I would like to say that I have been married and divorced. I did not want to be divorced but that is the way that it ended up. Maybe for the better I don’t know. I once heard that it is better to put the energy to falling back in Love with someone you know you can love then beginning the search again. I believe that but it takes forgiveness and the willingness to work on your own self. I also heard that if two people are going in entirely different directions and it is causing you to stumble in your beliefs or convictions then maybe you should let go. One thing I know for certain is that it is different for every couple.

I started this talking about Marriage because I believe that this is the fundamental place that we search for stability. I believe that we are all in search for stability in our lives. A place that we can feel secure and vulnerable. A place that allows us to breathe life in for a minute. I think that stability means a little something different for everybody. Some rely only on themselves, others on GOD, others search for the stability in another broken person. I really don’t believe there is an answer that is complete. I am Christian so my search should begin and end with what Jesus did for us. I should be confident in that. The more that I think about this word stability though the more I realize that what I have learned through my reading, divorce, life and other experiences is that we are taught ways to deal with instability. I am starting to believe that there is no such thing as stability. Maybe stability = learning to live and be comfortable with the lack of stability. Only then can we come close to the definition of stability that we desire.

As a personal trainer, I have heard from my colleague over and over again the following phrase, “get comfortable being uncomfortable.” It never struck me until recently that this is a motto for life. I think that it is important for us all to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. It is like Yoga for me. I am asked to put my body in a position that it does not want to be in and be at peace. So hard. My first reaction is to quit or find help or leave or do an exercise I am familiar with but I need Yoga. Simply put it is the discomfort and my ability to get through it that will help me grow and feel more stable or comfortable.

I have thought about this for quite a while and I believe there is more to come on the topic but for now I will leave it where it is at. Marriage is one place that we search for stability and I think that it often times leads to pre-mature Weddings. Ones that do not begin on the right foundation. The illusion of stability will become far greater in our lives when we learn to be comfortable being unstable. Present as Eckhart Tolle would say. If everything were taken away and you were left standing alone could you be at peace. Objects, people, relationships, are all going to come and go. Even the most solid foundation will crack over time. Focus on getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Find the purpose to the discomfort and I think that our search for STABILITY will recede and allow us to live more freely!

Sometimes news even when you know it’s coming sends you into a wave of emotions. The emotions can be mixed and can leave you wondering why you were not more prepared for the news. You may go into a thinking coma. You may sit there lost in thought for no apparent reason. I urge you to take a deep breath and focus on you. Focus on all the things you are doing and what steps you can take. Make a list of what you need to accomplishment and go do it. That I have found is the best way combined with prayer for me to let the thoughts go and the action take over!

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in your own skin? Ever felt that itchy, tingly, weird feeling that leaves you wanting to jump out of your own skin and run? I think that it is only natural to feel that way from time to time. In fact, I think that everybody I have met has something that they want to change about their body in some way. Losing weight, gaining muscle, definition, heart health and so much more are just a few examples.

I am not going to go into an elaborate story of what life is like being uncomfortable in my own skin. I have worked hard over the years to grow and to learn about myself. I get to a point where I feel like things are clicking and maybe that is when I ease up a little. Easing up is a simple way to say that I begin to shrink. An old mentor said, “you are either growing or shrinking.” I think that he was right. You can never let up. You can never slow down. So do you then pace yourself? Do you sprint and rest, sprint and rest, sprint and rest? Do you settle for less because you are uncertain which way to go? I really do not know the recipe.

Recently, I have been asked this question: “I know you have your blog and stuff, but when and where and with whom do you ever feel like you can just be you?” I really did not know how to answer that. I was completely blinded by the question and I was simply speechless. I thought about it and said that I was me when I was with my kids alone. I think that is actually only partially true. You see I sit back and I think about all the times in my life that I have allowed myself to have a good time. To let go of work and all the responsibilities I must handle and just be…….then at Church I was then asked by another person if I could stop fidgeting and “just be” for a minute and again I could not. I tried to meditate for 3 minutes today and I spent the entire 3 minutes typing and listening to an audio.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin and I know that I am not alone . So how do we learn to embrace right where we are at and get comfortable…….how we decide to make a change in our life and simply do it? I don’t have the answers so I appreciate any insight…….

Life is a lot like your annual vacation. We spend all year working toward that vacation. Planning, researching, asking questions, saving, visualizing, working towards that one week of the year where we celebrate our hard work. We relax and think about nothing. We see things we wanted to see and do things we’ve wanted to do. We don’t get the luxury of vacationing all year long but that is ok. There is a lot of joy in the work……..Our spiritual, physical, emotional, business life’s are very similar to our vacations. We set goals that have to be attained. We plan, research, ask questions, visualize, and put in the work necessary to get to that goal. When we get to that goal we get to take a moment and celebrate the victory before we have to go back to work.  The next goal (vacation) is then set in motion. What will it be this year? Cabo, Italy, Hawaii, Staycation who knows. That is part of the research and planning. Once you hit your weight loss goal do you stop? No, you celebrate the victory and set a new goal. Maybe it is to compete in a competition. Maybe it is a certain body fat percentage? Who knows?

The point is that we are constantly working charting and planning for the attainment of a goal. Once we get there we live it up for the moment and then we begin again. Life is a series of vacations. A ton of work for a brief moment of bliss? I think that there is a ton of joy in the work. There will be setbacks and obstacles but in the end it is all worth it. If we dont meet the exact goal (Italy) and we end up in Rio Vista fishing we enjoy Rio Vusta and make the necessary adjustments to get to Italy the next year.  Every day that the vacation gets closer the excitement increases. Sometimes the goals and the destination change but the work continues. There is a prize. We stay immersed in the daily activity and then when it is that day we smile and say “it’s time to celebrate!”

It has been a minute since I have had the time or the inspiration to put my fingers to the keyboard. I love my job right now and I am constantly working. However, I am sitting in front of the keyboard right now because I am in need of therapy. You see writing is my therapy and I have had no reason to need it. I have been good. Things have been coming together. I am happy except for that one little thing I suppose………………………………….

For those of you that have been supportive readers and followers of Detrimental Dialogue you know that I have a very strong relationship and admiration for my mother. You would know from my writing that she is everything to me and my world. She is one that I can trust with my deepest darkest secrets……….then there is the relationship with my father……..

Tomorrow is my Dad’s birthday. I know that we will not talk. I will call to say Happy Birthday and his mailbox will be full. He will not pick up the phone. In fact if I want to know anything that is going on with him I have to call my 94 year old grandfather. However, I did that today and my grandfather who lives 500 feet away from my dad has not seen him in weeks. My father is depressed and has shut himself off to the rest of the world. I try to realize that this is his struggle and try not to have the selfish me be angry about it but then my daughter’s birthday comes. You see my kids love him so much and so do I. My son asks, “when do we get to go so papa Rex?’ I say, ” I don’t know Eli……” and then my daughter Aubrey says, “Is he still sick?” I am not sure how to respond but I muster up enough to say, “yes dear. He is not feeling well and it might be awhile.”

I don’t want to tell my kids that their grandfather has locked himself away. I don’t want them to know that combined with health, financial and mental issues he has chosen to be not be seen or heard. I flash back to all the years that he did this to me. Disappeared for months at a time and then had the nerve to ask why I hadn’t called. This time I am not leaving him that option. I call all the time and I know that he sees me calling. I know that he hits end on the phone. He does not want to tell me that he has given up! I fear that he may have turned back to drugs. I fear that he lost his right hand man Tom and that was the end of him. What I fear most is that one day I will get a call and it will be, “is this Mathew Freeman? Mathew we found your father today. I am sorry to inform you that he has passed away.” It is bound to happen and I do not live in that fear but every so often I am overtaken with sadness. I’m sad that he is missing out on the lives of my children. They are starting baseball and football and all these sports and he will never see them.  I guess I had hoped that although he missed mine he would see theirs. I hoped that those kids would bring joy to his heart but find that all they do is remind him of his failures? I pray for understanding and discernment when it comes to him.

The SAD TRUTH is that it has been this way with him my whole life. I used to expect more and allow myself to be let down. Now I have no expectation. The pain of let down has decreased but I still hope……..I will always hope that the pain that he feels will go away so that he may let in those that adore him. I always hope that he will let go of the pain long enough to experience the beauty his grandchildren have to offer……..

The definition of Regret as defined online is:

Growing up in Sonoma County I was fortunate to be part of the infamous Gravity Hill experience. Gravity Hill is not some mystical place that you travel to or some tourist destination. Gravity Hill is a place that all the high school kids know about. It is a place that at night we would go to hang out and party. It was a place that you would go to show someone something sweet. Well I was thinking about what Gravity Hill was all about the other day and I came to a few conclusions. I came to the conclusion that Gravity Hill is a major metaphor for life.

Before I go into the metaphor I want to take a moment to tell you a little about what Gravity Hill is. You see we all went out there to hang out and party because it was a place of illusion. You would take your car and drive up onto this hill. Then you would stop part way “down” the hill and put your car in neutral. Your car would then be possessed by the spirits of the hill. Your car would begin to roll back up the hill that you just started to descend. How? How can your car roll up a hill? It almost seemed magical. Well especially to all the kids that were standing outside and watching this happen.

Now I know what I was to learn from Gravity Hill. In life we hit times where the weight of the world is on our shoulders. It appears that everything is spiraling downward. We are not sure why we are going through the things that we are going through. However, it is in those times that we are growing. We are progressing at a faster rate then when things are on the rise. We are experiencing the moments that shape us and help us to become the people that we are and will be. The illusion of gravity hill is that you are really going downhill even though the appearance is uphill. So Gravity pulls you down the hill like it would every other time. In life the appearance is our life is ending but really we are growing more mature and better than ever before. It really comes down to perspective and seeing it for what it truly is and not what it appears to be. If you can step outside of the situation and ask questions.

When we were kids and that hill we sat in amazement and asked no questions at all. We were simply awestruck but the event that was taking place. Caught in the moment. We did not survey the scene or wonder. We were stuck. There are the times in our life that everything is a mess so we think. We are stuck in the moment of the event and the occurrence so much so that we cannot see what was really going on.

Gravity Hill is simply a street on a hill. On that street you roll down the hill but there is a bump along the way that makes it appear that you are heading up a hill. In life during the crazy times you are heading in the right direction. You may be experiencing a hill along the way but you are going exactly where the universe, God, or whomever has designed that you go…………